I am dreaming.
Dream of what you may ask. Well, that is a good question. I have recently listened to sermon by Erwin McManus, which talked about dreaming, or more for that matter, what is your dream. I came away from the message profoundly convicted, because I my dream has not been one that is a true dream of what my life should be. Let me give you some back context to help you out first. I grew up with parents who are amazing people, but are not the most financially stable (or "wealthy" if you want to use this word) compared to those parents of the friends I grew up with. Because of this my life has been one that has been consumed by wanting to live the absolute opposite of that. I even grew up envying (even jealous of) my best and closest friends who's parents were able to give them the things they wanted (new cars, phones, clothes, etc...). From that my mindset has been make money (lots of money), live rich, and anything else you can put in that category. While this is something that I still struggle with, I am beginning to see that my life and this dream that I have been living is not one that fits me. One of the things that Erwin said which has been going through my brain all week is as follows, "If your dream became a reality right now would it help or hurt people?" Wow! That pierces my heart, because the honest answer is it probably would hurt people for me if that happened right now. Because of this attitude of wanting more and more and living a life that consumed by getting what I feel I deserve that I didn't get or whatever, I feel that I would in the long run hurt those people that mean so much to me by this mindset (dream) that I have been living by for quite some time now.
So, what do I do from here. Well, I think the first thing is asking for forgiveness, seeking God in a true "dream" and moving forward. I am so deeply sorry to those that I have envied for a very long time. A true friend wouldn't be like that and for that I need your forgiveness for not being. I need to change this false "dream" of wanting more and more and live content with what God has given me. I need to refocus my priorities, desires, and ultimately dreams. Lastly, I need to say thanks to God for being so graceful and for helping me through this.
